Boundaries

Even at the beginning of all creation, we see the formation of boundaries. When God told the sea where to stop so there could be land, that was a boundary. He created the sky to divide heaven from earth, a boundary. And when God told Adam and Eve, you can eat from every tree in this garden EXCEPT that one over there, yup that was a boundary. And even then, we saw that when boundaries are broken, all hell breaks loose, literally! Unfortunately, humankind did not learn the lesson, and here we are all these years later still lacking respect for boundaries — what a shame.

So today, on the Confdnt blog, we’re going to briefly discuss you guessed it BOUNDARIES- why they are necessary, and how to address when boundaries are broken. You ready? Let’s go!

Boundaries are the limits or rules that are created to keep everyone and everything in their place and to protect your safe space. Every relationship should have boundaries- Business relationships, personal relationships (including but not limited to intimate ones), and last but not least familial relationships. Be it your own life or someone close to you; we have all seen situations go bad due to a lack of boundaries. Boundaries must be set from the start of a relationship (It’s tricky when it comes to families, but we’ll get there).

It's easy to get wrapped up in the bliss of new things, but setting the tone for what you will allow in the very beginning leaves little room for confusion down the line. In the early stages of dating, if there are things you don’t like because they make you feel out of control of your own space or time, make it clear from the beginning. Don’t like going to the movies, hate pop of visits, not comfortable during group dates say that from the start and don’t pretend to be okay with it because “it’s just the beginning.” That’s the perfect time to make all these things clear so that a year or two down the line, you don’t seem like you’re changing when, in reality, this has always been you.  This is not to say you don’t need to compromise, but you should be clear that this is a compromise and not something you enjoy.

Boundaries in friendship can look very similar to the ones in an intimate relationship and should be respected just as much. Here’s a tip, while you have the right to set boundaries without reason, it helps to be transparent; remember this is someone you want a long-lasting relationship with. Telling your friend or loved one why these boundaries came about and why they are important to you will not only help them to respect it but can create a dialogue that allows you to understand each other better overall.

Now the tough part. How do you tell the person that gave birth to you that she can’t open your mail in her house? Or tell your grandmother you wont be attending any family events at her home if she feels the need to bring up your weight or some other thing that bothers you. Old habits die hard, but setting these boundaries in family while painful are incredibly important. And if you are the first of your family to try boundary setting, you may be headed for a period of isolation, your family may not understand, but your safe spaces are important and anyone that can’t respect them well that’s their decision.

When someone violates a boundary, you must address it immediately. And to address it doesn’t mean I’m cutting you off (it could, but it doesn’t always have to), it should always start in a discussion. Try A friendly reminder of why you have this boundary in place, let them know how it made you feel when they crossed that boundary and be clear on what action you intend to take if it continues to happen. Be clear with them and be clear with yourself!

Understand that the responsibility of creating and maintaining your boundaries are yours. You have to be clear, and you have to be consistent. You also have to be willing to choose yourself and your limitations over others. If that means telling a friend, I am so sorry, but I can’t be there for you in the capacity you require of me right now because I have x,y, and z going on then do that. It's also important to note that boundaries can change. While consistency is necessary, we as people are continually evolving, and what you may have allowed at one point may change. That's okay, be clear about this change and be willing to stand by it.

Creating boundaries and sticking to them will be hard, especially if you had none in place before. But I assure you that as you continue on this journey, you will find so much peace around you, and you will be proud that you were responsible for creating that positive change for yourself. You might lose relationships, and while it may be painful, it will be okay when you see how much you’ve gained.

I leave you with my favorite saying “If you don’t bring peace to me, then I have to say peace to you.”- Sarita J.

Want to share your own experiences? Feel free to share it with us!